The answer is always LOVE (or sometimes, "42"!)

The answer is always LOVE (or sometimes, "42"!)
My philosophy is LOVEISM...

Monday, January 14, 2013

Kelly’s Ayahuasca Ceremony #3


My third Ayahuasca Ceremony was conducted on the twilight of December 20th into the very auspicious dawn of December 21st, 2012.  I predicted THIS ceremony was going to be EPIC on account of all the “cosmic” events simultaneously occurring during that time (and well, it was EPIC, but not anything like I expected, of course!)  My flaw:  Assuming I would experience some kind of mythical multi-chakra opening in sync with all life forms (including plants, animals and planets) and all that hippie/”We-are-the-world” stuff.  Lesson: The only thing predictable about ceremony is it is unpredictable (like Life, no?)

Perhaps it was my imagination but my first dose was more than “usual” and I struggled to get it down.  The first hour of my ceremony was very physical—no visuals, no sounds, no “messages”.  I had the firm impression that my CELLS were boiling and exploding like bubbling lava—not painful, but an uncomfortable physical sensation.  My first and ONLY “purge” of the night, came violently from my toes and shot up through my chakras like a geyser.  I recall squawking loudly like some kind of mythical bird (however, fellow participants claim they heard nothing.)  When I peeked into my puke-bucket to check if I purged any vital organs, the displacement of my “innards” made a PERFECT circle like this…

Great.  Mythology and symbolism would suggest I just vomited Infinity (and what exactly am I supposed to do with THAT?!)  For more insight into the sacred meaning of circles, click here. 

 I got the firm impression that I was experiencing cellular detox.  I have a suspicion Grandmother was working (possibly healing?) on my HIV and cancer as well—however, I cannot be bothered to go get tested.  So, I am just going to surf on this belief.

Following my mega-physical purge, I let the sounds of running water (some kind of meditation music in the background) soothe me to the point I felt myself gently sinking into oceanic depths.  For a nanosecond, I considered I might be drowning, but yet there was no struggle, no panic; in fact, the sensations were thoroughly comforting, a full-body relaxation.  (I hope Death feels like that!)  Then a dolphin appeared, smiling and giggling as dolphins do.  There was some confusion as to if I was the dolphin, or this was some kind of animal spirit guide (quite possibly both.)  I am going with spirit guide and what a perfect spirit guide for me, dolphin key words include:                   

Playfulness  (I AM the Goofy Guru, after all!)

Following the whole dolphin experience, two things were made clear to me:  1.  The oceans need to be protected; they are being grossly neglected (there is a whole universe down there we STILL have not discovered—full of answers to many of our current questions!) and 2. We all need to be addressing “Water Issues” above ALL else and NOW (from drinking water to hydropower to oceans.)  The last “thing” I would see ALL night was a dolphin smiling (quite possibly laughing) at me.  The rest of the night, for HOURS, much to my irritation, I would be experiencing nothing. 

When I say I experienced nothing all night, I mean NOTHING, as in THE VOID.  Feeling as if I were under anesthesia, somewhere between conscious and unconscious -- no sounds, no visualizations, no “messages”, no images or symbols, no “Everything” feeling, not even registering the music I KNOW was playing in the background--nothing.  Occasionally, to “test” the situation, I would open my eyes to see if anything special or psychedelic was happening around me, everything in the room looked perfectly “normal” (meaning no dancing Jesus statues or anything!) “Normal” as if I were completely sober.  The ONLY thought to surface the whole night was, “Nothing is happening! NOTHING? Really?!  WTF?!”

When the shaman called for a second dose, I knew I did not need another dose but was hoping an extra sip might push me over the edge into SOMETHING, as opposed to hours of NOTHING.  I took a sip and then went back into NOTHINGNESS much to my annoyance.  Little did I know at the time that monks, gurus, and other “spiritual” people spend a lifetime trying to achieve this state of NOTHINGNESS, and here I was irritated that I was getting nothing.  *As usual, the joke is ALWAYS on me.

Yes, when I woke up the next morning, I was downright jealous that others had such colorful, insightful, amazing, useful revelations and I got NOTHING.  No answers, no insights, no guidance, not even a “fun” trip--nothing.  My “inner-child” decided to pout the rest of the day.  Later, on the eve of DEC 21, while I bitterly imagined the world experiencing UNITY and such hippie-stuff, this pout would grow into full-blown anger--which would lead me to discover the concept of “shadow work.”

Shadow work is basically all about identifying our “worst” traits and qualities (such as impatience, jealousy, anger, depression--which is just anger turned inwards, laziness, greed, etc.) and instead of suppressing or masking these traits, learning how these very same socially unpopular traits are actually tools that need to be integrated in order to achieve total self-acceptance. 

TRUTH:  Any traits or qualities you dislike in others are YOUR shadows.  *Apparently, as kids, we were correct when we taunted one another, “Takes one to know one!” And “I know you are, but what am I?”

Example of using a not-so-pretty quality and using it as a tool for positive action:

I am notoriously impatient.  Of course, I LIVE in the NOW, so naturally, I want it NOW!  Therefore, when my laptop started to die on me—constantly “freezing” up, taking 3 minutes to open a new window, etc.— impatience at my laptop quickly escalated into an Oscar-winning temper tantrum to rival any anguished 3 year old deprived of a treasured toy.  I was fully aware of the absurdity of my fury but it was this very same Impatience that inspired me to write a FaceBook post begging for a new laptop.  Within minutes, a friend offered his used MacBook.  Instant manifestation!  So technically my impatience helped me obtain a quick solution!

As long as we suppress (psychologically), mask (with pharmaceuticals and/or other drugs/alcohol/addictions), vilify, or deny our less-than-awesome traits and qualities, we fail to see how these emotions are simply a message—a call to action or non-action-- from the heart to the brain.  Emotions are not “good” or “bad”, simply tools.  Anger, for example, can be the spark for personal transformation and historically, social change—anger can protect you and your children from violence.  Jealousy can be transformed into admiration and thus, inspiration.  And so on.

However, more toxic than failing to recognize these “unsavory” traits and emotions as valuable tools, when we vilify these traits in ourselves (and in others), we are essentially “hating” ourselves.  As long as we hate just one part of ourselves, we cannot fully accept and love ourselves.  And just about EVERYTHING (which is NOTHING with a twist, no?) comes down to self-love, right?!

Over the next few days, NOTHING would show up everywhere:  all over FaceBook posts, in films, in song lyrics, even on a popular TV show.  Nothing was inescapable!  So I started doing some homework on NOTHING—from lectures by Alan Watts to scientists like Carl Sagan and Einstein; from spiritual leaders such as Osho to Krishnamurti; I even peaked at the existentialists and other philosophers—which all accumulated into the constant thread of non-duality:  Nothing is Everything.  

Nothing was associated with everything, literally-- from Zen mind-less bliss (the ultimate state of enlightenment) to the start of creation (Big Bang) to dark matter and black holes to limitless potential to death and depression.  Thus my question was, “So what?  WTF am I supposed to do with THIS?  How am I supposed to apply NOTHINGNESS to my life?”

Well, as you can guess, the answer was obvious: Do NOTHING.  And all of a sudden I had plenty of opportunities to test this new and very foreign response to life.  Threatened with eviction?  Do NOTHING.  (Guess what?! It worked itself out!)  Angry friend?  Do NOTHING: her anger has NOTHING to do with me, she is just projecting!  Family, friends caught up in their own dramas?  Do NOTHING. They are on their own path, learning their own lessons through their own experiences and at their own paces.  Seeking new work?  Do NOTHING.  Work and money came to me!

I started applying NOTHING to everything and the results were celebratory!  Let’s not forget that several masters throughout the ages, from Lao Tzu to Jesus to John Lennon (“Let it be”), have been saying this for centuries.  I finally got it!  Literally, do NOTHING.  Try it!  For the sake of experiment:  Next challenge, try to do NOTHING!  See what happens, when you allow everything to take care of itself!  I suspect the results are going to stun you!

So what did I do while I was busy doing NOTHING?  Well, dancing around my house; reading LOTS of books; watching films; visiting with friends; writing; painting; chatting to my grandparents on the phone; planning my Get Goofy Road Trip; working on my new Goofy Guru coaching business; cooking my favorite meals; doing Osho zen readings; getting a pedicure and a haircut—basically, having a DAMN good time.  Was it really THIS simple?  Shall I refer to Occam’s Razor?

NOTHING reminds me that I really KNOW NOTHING!  I have no idea what is going to happen in the next minute, much less a month or year from now!  The Buddhists teach, be attached to NO-THING.  NOTHING lasts forever…ha! Ha!  So ultimately, my BIG lesson was surrender, letting go and as Osho said, “All you can do now is to relax into this no-thingness...fall into this silence between the this gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.” 

SO let’s just see what happens next!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Announcing the Get Goofy Road Trip (Chico to Austin edition)

The Goofy Guru and The Hair-Whisperer--and YES, of course we are doing this trip in a convertible!

JAN 8, 2012
For immediate release!
*Because it is ALL about LETTING GO, right?!

Kelly N Patterson, aka “The Goofy Guru”, Brittany Morgan Woodcox, aka “The Hair-Whisperer”, and Marvin, aka “The Ninja Cat” are preparing to embark on an epic “Goofy” Road Trip from Chico, California to Austin, Texas, starting the last week of January 2012.  *Estimated date of arrival in Austin?  Whenever we get there!

Brittany Morgan Woodcox, aka "The Hair-Whisperer"
Marvin, aka "The Ninja Cat"
Kelly N Patterson, aka "The Goofy Guru"
Aside from the principal mission of getting from Point A to Point B with a cat, The Goofy Guru and The Hair-Whisperer seek to document and demonstrate “Goofy” living/BEING along the way—Kelly and Brittany want to show people, in a very real way, how to integrate JOY, PLAY and LAUGHTER into all aspects of Life as well as raise awareness for the Get Goofy Movement.  And what better way to TEST the power of JOY, PLAY and LAUGHTER than on a Zen Road Trip—with a cat?

Brittany and Kelly, poolside 
Kelly and Brittany will economically support this trip with Law of Attraction as well as Osho Zen Tarot Readings and Goofy Guru coaching sessions by Kelly as well as Zen tie-dyes and mobile hair styling by Brittany.   Kelly, Brittany and Marvin the Ninja Cat will nonchalantly couchsurf their way down the Coast of California—all the way to San Diego (and who knows? Maybe a stop in Mexico?!!!) and then, head East through Arizona, New Mexico and final destination: Austin, Texas.  And we will be using our INNER GPS-systems to guide us!

Ways YOU can participate in this Goofy adventure:

·      Invite us to Couchsurf at your place (*if you are located anywhere along the CA coast-line from Chico to San Diego or anywhere in AZ, NM or TX, let us know!)

·      Make a hair appointment with Brittany (when we get into town—she literally can transform your hair ANYWHERE!)

·      Arrange an Osho Zen tarot reading with Kelly (either in person or by Skype!)

·      Arrange a Goofy Guru coaching session with Kelly (best in person, in YOUR world)

·      Invite us to FABULOUS events, parties, workshops, etc.

·      Send us your abundance and joy energy

·      Massages, sushi and champagne always welcome!

If you would like to participate in any way, email me at or message on FaceBook!

The only thing we know is that we need to be in LA by the first week of February, and we plan to be in LA for a week. Ideally, we will stop in Sacramento, little oases in Humboldt County, the Bay Area, Santa Cruz, LA, San Diego, weird places in Arizona and New Mexico, and finally, Austin. 

Our mantra, stolen from Kurt Vonnegut, “Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God.”  So we WELCOME peculiar travel suggestions! 

*To learn more about the Goofy Guru, click here

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Kelly’s Ayahuasca Ceremony #2

I highly recommend you peruse “Kelly’s Ayahuasca Ceremony #1” before attempting to read or understand this personal account of my second Ayahuasca ceremony.  However, do as you wish (which, incidentally, is one of the many insights of my second ceremony!)

This intimate documentation of my second Ayahuasca ceremony highlights the general “themes” revealed to me by “Grandmother”; clear statements-- such as “Stop picking on the Christians!” (What?! Me?!!); reliable resources for more in-depth information; and some of the entertaining aspects of my ceremony—such as, I exhausted 3 boxes of tissues, but not without thanking each tree that contributed to making each tissue (yeah, it was like THAT.)

I now realize my first ceremony was a TRAP!  Meaning, my first ceremony was comparably “light” and at times, “fun”; I spent most of the time LAUGHING at my ridiculous self, when not puking (aka, “purging”) in a bucket.  My first ceremony was relatively “gentle” on my EGO, body and spirit.  The morning following my first ceremony I felt super-conscious, energized, and We-Are-the-World warm-fuzzy about everything and everyone.  No one would ever suspect I had been awake, all night, on highly psychoactive chemicals; had not eaten in 3 days (fasting is required for ceremony); and operating on maybe 2 hours of sleep.  You would think I just woke up, drank 3 cups of espresso and did a Kundalini yoga class with the Dalai Lama. Which is exactly why my second ceremony experience came as such a shock. In all brevity, I got my ASS, my EGO and my SOUL kicked.

So here we go again, DEEPER down the rabbit hole…

Ceremony #2

Much to my surprise, this ceremony had a consistent biblical motif, which is surprising since I have not identified with Christianity since my early adolescent years. If you recall from Ayahuasca Ceremony #1, in high school, I publically renounced my Catholic inheritance from my parents, and yes, inconveniently while attending a private Catholic High School.  Quotes and scenes from the Bible fell like rain throughout the whole ceremony.  And at one point, I got to eavesdrop on Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, the night before his famous execution.  Yeah, this IS going to get heavy!

1.     Ayahuasca helped me excavate my “true calling” or mission in Life.  I say “excavate” because it was always there (She would lead me through another vivid power-point presentation, complete with time-lines)—my “purpose” buried deep below infinite memories, song lyrics, my internal calculator, personal shadows, and “ROYGBIV”/wash-your-hands-after-using-the-toilet kind of stuff.  

Through a biographical montage, Grandmother showed me how many times I had directly “danced” with Death (in THIS lifetime alone.)  Some encounters were obvious (such as having 14 AK-47’s pointed AT me in the African jungle) to not-so obvious encounters with Death, such as cliff-diving in Hawaii or speeding down a highway at 85 mph.  The best of the montage was a SCUBA scene, where I am TRYING to remove a moray eel wrapped around my gear without touching it (you have NO IDEA how challenging this is!  It is not like you can grab a stick at 40 feet below in the ocean!)  Just watching my SCUBA buddy and I silently freaking out, in mime, was priceless entertainment—and just when I thought I got it, She panned down to show me a WHALE SHARK sitting not even 20 feet below us!  WOW!

Grandmother reminded me of witnessing a truck drive over a landmine in Mozambique; of course, all the disease-related deaths I witnessed in Africa; how I was almost impaled by a beach umbrella caught up in the wind; covering all the natural disasters I have lived through…ending her presentation with Max and I, in Costa Rica, literally SURFING on a 7.1 earthquake, while our neighbors are praying in their doorways.  And we are HOWLING with joy, “Dude!  We’re surfing an earthquake!”

The message was clear:  I have NO FEAR of Death, and half the time, my response to death was LAUGHTER.  WOW!  Which, of course, makes me the perfect candidate to SHOW people how NOT to fear death, aka “The Ultimate Transition.” Only when the fear of death is removed from collective consciousness, will there truly be PEACE on EARTH.  Think of all the current (tragically flawed) systems that would naturally fall away—from military organizations to dismantling the weapons, pharmaceutical and “security” industries, and then some!

She also showed me that it is exactly my lack of fear (of death) that enables me to live MY life so fully; and wouldn’t it be nice, if everyone could experience this kind of freedom?  Therefore, my purpose, starting with MY life as an example, is to help remove the fear of death from collective human consciousness, while at the same time, liberating and encouraging people to live fully as they wish. 

 **Two months later, to come full circle, I would be inspired to start my own radical transformation coaching business, dubbing myself the Goofy Guru, with the mission to SHOW people how to integrate JOY, PLAY and LAUGHTER, on a daily basis, into ALL aspects of their lives, from the mundane to the “tough stuff” like death, divorce, war, poverty, disease, etc.

2.     We create EVERYTHING in our lives, literally.  Since I am a writer, Ayahuasca revealed to me through literary metaphor, that each one of us is writing our own story, as we go.   Every thought is a sentence that becomes a person, place, thing, or experience in our lives (so choose your thoughts and words wisely!) And quite frankly, WE ARE BRILLIANT!  We choose the setting(s), the actors (even the “bad” guys), the drama and “tragedies”, the love scenes, the musical score, the adventures we wish to take, the lessons we WANT to learn—everything!  We are all self-writing BOOKS and collectively, we are a (human) library! 

I saw clearly how I (subconsciously) brought certain “characters” and experiences into my own story-- sometimes to teach/remind myself, sometimes to teach/remind others;  sometimes purely for scientific observation—“What happens when I (insert verb)?” ; sometimes for pure entertainment purposes (A LOT of THAT in my life!); and then sometimes to prove a point.  With this insight, I realized I have the ultimate power to edit, delete, re-write, and most importantly, write a NEW story for myself, and I can change it at any time! 

And the best part?!  There is NO EDITOR!  I AM both the writer and the editor (just how I like it!)  Therefore, I can write WHATEVER I want!  *Think of the dude who recently said, “Hey, I want to parachute from, you know…Space!” Guess what?  He DID!  And if we ALL wrote a new, more enlightened story for ourselves, we could collectively change our world as we know it!   We have the power to change our “world story” at ANY TIME!  (How about NOW?!) *This is in alignment with the whole idea that world peace starts with the inner-peace of each individual.

Grandmother showed me how we “forget” we are the writers/creators of our own stories and how this impacts the collective human story (we are seeing this now clearly reflected in our world.)  We get “lost” or “trapped” in our “stories”  (script-writer Charlie Kauffman expressed this very concept in his film, “Adaptation”—well-done, Charlie.)  When people and events appear to be repeating in your life (i.e., every boss/boyfriend/housemate/neighbor you get is an “asshole”, one after another), then you are “stuck in the loop” (like an MC Escher drawing or the film, “Groundhog’s Day”) and need to “wake up” in order to get out (like in the film, “The Matrix”.)  

Ayahuasca showed me a montage of films, books, plays, and visual arts-- from Shakespeare to Michael Jackson to Salvador Dali-- that were ALL trying to express this very sentiment:  “WE are the writers/creators of our own stories.  Wake up!” Bottom line: Really, WE ARE BRILLIANT!  Life IS the best-written story ever and no, there is not a “happy ending” because there is NO ENDING, we just keep getting better and becoming better writers/creators.

3.     Science and “Spirituality” are just two different languages saying the same thing.  Proof?  Just watch the documentary “The Black Whole”; or read anything by Carl Sagan, Nikola Tesla, Deepak Chopra, Fritjof Capra, or Albert Einstein—Grandmother confirmed these are reliable resources of information.  *And know, that technically, every single person you encounter, every animal that crosses your path, every experience of your life (no matter how mundane) has the potential to TEACH you something about you and our world; and ultimately, YOU are your most reliable resource for information.

4.     And lastly, the importance of creating personal boundaries.   Through a very long and torturous journey (ending with 3 empty boxes of tissues, swollen eyeballs and a raw nose), Ayahuasca allowed me to feel ALL the pain and suffering of humanity (throughout history, I might add—starting with Neanderthals through 2012.)  To say it was a brutal experience would be a gross understatement.  At some point, the suffering became so unbearable, I actively tried to make myself spontaneously combust, and when that did not work, I started begging (out loud) to be “put out of my misery.”  I even interrupted the whole ceremony to insist my fellow participants help me die.  (Note:  Those Bitches did NOT help!) 

Naturally, I became FURIOUS because no one was helping me die (I kept moaning over and over, “I’ve had ENOUGH!  I’m TIRED!  Just let me GO!”); I would rather die than feel this collective pain and suffering another picosecond.  Grandmother communicated the term “Empath” and showed me how my extraordinary empathy was not just limited to humans, but also to plants and animals and that I needed to learn how to create personal boundaries to protect myself—lest, I want to continue to FEEL ALL SUFFERING. 

Jesus! Really?!!!
I suppose She was trying to make me feel better by showing me that some of my personal heroes, like Jesus, Gandhi, MLK, Jr., Biko, etc. all felt just like me, at some point (thus the whole Jesus and Garden of Gethsemane scene.)  And being the smartass I am, I pointed out that at least THEY got their wish, they were all assassinated!  Yes, I was “arguing” with Grandmother!  And I do believe I was “scolded” because I was shown just what a petulant child I really am, constantly throwing tantrums; a gleeful trickster and ebullient troublemaker/instigator; the most clandestine of all outlaws; the joker, the fool and by no means a saint—but I hate to brag ;)

Unlike my first ceremony, the next day, I not only felt physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally exhausted, I could not even think of common words in English—I struggled to say, “cigarette”—instead, I said, “Can I have a…lighty thing?” --using sign language to show smoking.  When I got home, I slept for 6 hours, woke up to eat, and then slept another 8 hours.  I did not leave my house, or my pajamas, for 3 days. 

So, how did THIS ceremony change my life? 

As soon as I was able I researched “Empaths”; this definition gave me a lot of insight into myself and why I act the way I do, as well as useful resources and coping tools specifically for Empaths.  I immediately implemented boundaries in a very public way—starting with “no more drop-in’s” at my house (call or text first!)  

My friends and I use THIS sign language to signal someone is getting "stuck" in their "sad/mad/old story"
I now practice stopping people “caught” in their “sad/mad/old stories.”  Among my friends, we created playful sign language to communicate whenever one of us is getting “stuck” in his/her story.  The signal?  Picking the nose.  Brilliant!  It is effective because it is a gentle, playful way to let someone know he/she is “stuck” in a “sad/mad/old story” and about to slide down the negative spiral—if you really want to “help” someone, it is better to seek a SOLUTION than allow them to replay the sad/mad/old story again and again.   The longer you allow someone to tell their sad/mad/old story, the further you are taking them away from the solution.

I identified “emotional vampires” in my life and have distanced myself from them—unfortunately, some of them are not (currently) happy with new arrangement (“Forgive them Father for they know not what they do”, echoes from ceremony.)   I am patiently waiting for them to realize they are “stuck” in their stories and able to write a new story for themselves.  *I cannot wait until they all “wake up” and then we all can co-author a new, better more JOYFUL story for all of us.

I now operate on the “15 Minute Plan” (*credit to Nancy MacPhail), where I am constantly checking-in with myself (How does this FEEL? Do I really want to do this?  Does this feel good?) before I make any decisions, say anything, or take action—by the way, through the 15 Minute Plan, I have already reduced my caffeine and nicotine intake—without even trying!  I am practicing constant awareness of my thoughts, words and actions, because they are the script of my future.  (But note: This IS a work in progress and I don’t always succeed.)

These are just a few daily tools inspired by my second ceremony.  There are many others that I am actively introducing to my friends, family and community, and eventually, the world through my new developing role as the Goofy Guru