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| A dose of Ayahuasca--and even though some people like the taste, well--for me, YUCK! |
This “story” is MY story. I am not going to get into
the origins or historical significance of Ayahuasca; nor dissect the
psychoactive and chemical components of this powerful “medicine”; nor go into
the mundane details as to how it is prepared and whatnot technical stuff you
can easily find on Wikipedia (thank you, whomever, created Wikipedia!) Instead, I am going directly to the core of
every Ayahuasca ceremony—what did I
experience and learn, and then how has this impacted my life? Therefore, I will be sharing blog-sized portions of what I,
personally, have learned about myself, others, and well, EVERYTHING (and I MEAN
everything), from participating in
three Ayahuasca ceremonies over the past year.
Besides, if Ayahuasca is truly “calling” you, you will
already be familiar with what it is and what it can do for you—or, perhaps, these little personal accounts will
inspire you to do your own research,
and decide for yourself if you wish to try this powerful transformational tool. WARNING:
Ayahuasca is NOT for pussies! This
is NOT a recreational experience. And
technically, it is NOT even legal to participate in Ayahuasca ceremonies in the
United States (Surprise?), but it is legal and revered sacred in many other
cultures and countries. I refer to
Ayahuasca as “Ninja Self-Awareness Training”—meaning, without a doubt, you will
get your ass (and EGO and ALL your archaic ego-centric beliefs) kicked and like
all martial arts training, you will eventually
be grateful for ALL the bruises and lessons.
Of all the self-awareness and transformational tools I
have played with (too many to list here!)—from meditation to yoga to Ayurvedic
disciplines to reading “self-help” books as well as scientific, philosophical
and psychological texts to participating in sweat lodges and dozens of other
therapeutic and transformational modalities, Ayahuasca has been, by far, the
most effective and time-efficient education tool I have EVER experienced.
The best part is that even AFTER a ceremony, its
“effects” continue and therefore, DAILY you continue to have both big and
little moments of “enlightenment” (aka, “A-ha! Moments”) about yourself,
others, and well, how everything in the Universe(s) work. All of this “information” serves to give you
a PROFOUND understanding of yourself (“Who am I?”, “What’s the meaning of
life?”—the oldest questions on earth!); your relation to others (including
plants, animals, things--yes, even your toilet!, quantum stuff as well as cosmic
stuff, and then some!); and how to best use these new insights to create a
better life for yourself, which ultimately creates a better world (think
Doppler Effect!)
Before I share some of “MY” lessons, know that each
Ayahuasca ceremony is radically unique for each individual (meaning: no one
will have the “same” experiences, but perhaps, common themes.) And as we call the spirit of Ayahuasca--
“Grandmother”, SHE has the ability to clearly communicate with each individual
in very specific terms, language/vocabulary, metaphors, “stories”, symbols, concepts,
visions, sounds, even smells, etc. that only YOU would understand.
For example, since I am an avid “follower” of science
and world cultures as well as a writer and voracious reader, a lot of
information has been relayed to me through the arts and literary metaphors (lots
of Shakespeare and MC Escher as well as contemporary media like the film “The
Matrix”, sprinkled with ancient myths, geographic places and historical
figures) as well as through scientific concepts I already understand. In addition, “Grandmother”, knowing I highly
appreciate and value a rich sense of humor, showed me a lot of very unflattering
insights about ME in humorous ways. * I
spent most of my first ceremony LAUGHING at myself and saying (in my head-- I
think!), “The Universe is mocking me! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
FACT: The Universe has THE best sense of humor (I mean,
that is where Monty Python, George Carlin, Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, Jonathan
Swift, Shakespeare, and all got THEIR sense of humor, no?!)
For clarity’s sake, I am going to break this “story”
down into each ceremony (so far, I have participated in three ceremonies) and I
seek to give you a “taste” of what information has been relayed to me. *It is impossible to share all I have learned/experienced in
ceremony for two reasons:
1.
This
could easily become a serial novel
(THAT much information has been obtained.)
Therefore, I am just going to share general themes; very clear statements;
validations of previously documented information already available (i.e.,
Deepak Chopra is one of many reliable
resources, and so is Oprah Winfrey—and eventually, you will get to a point that
every person you meet, every song you hear, every animal that crosses your
path, and every single experience—even traffic and doing laundry—is a reliable
source of information about yourself and your world; and only then, will you
realize that your most reliable
source of information is actually YOURSELF); as well as some entertaining
aspects of ceremony
2.
I am still “downloading” information every
day and suspect this process will be going on for some time.
So here we go down the rabbit hole…
Ceremony
1:
When I look back, my first dose of Ayahuasca was
mild. I clearly recall thinking to
myself, as I am watching a statue of Jesus hula-dance--“Well, this is a lot
like a really good acid trip.” While the other ceremony participants were
violently purging in their buckets, weeping in silence or moaning in fetal
position, I confess, I thought to myself, “Amateurs.” So I gleefully answered the call for a second
dose. Well, that’s when things started
to quickly get intense…meaning in-tense, past tense, future tense, and in fact,
pre-tense on me!
1.
I
now believe in all this Past Lives stuff. I mean, previously, I was “on the fence” when
people queried if I believed in past lives.
My auto-response was, “Well,
as a quantum physicist-wanna-be, I
can see how all this reincarnation stuff expressed by Hindu and Buddhist faiths
could be poetic metaphor for quantum applications.” But now, my answer is “Hell
Yes! And I even have proof!” This is a
“story” in itself: Ayahausca showed me
in a very detailed, logical way-- via vivid power-point presentation and
time-lines-- why I was “obsessed” with Africa in THIS lifetime, starting at a
very early age—apparently, I was Cleopatra in a past life.
Grandmother showed me that I viewed
the “foreign invasion” of HIV throughout the continent of Africa as equivalent
to the Roman invasion of Egypt. Because Cleopatra (the last pharaoh of Egypt)
failed to protect Egypt from the Romans, I sought to protect Africa from the
spread of HIV in THIS lifetime. It
showed me Cleopatra killed herself because she felt responsible for both the
fall of Egypt (the most powerful civilization of the era), as well as not being
able to protect her own family. Thus, in
THIS lifetime, as an act of atonement, I CHOSE to take on HIV both literally
and figuratively, in commiseration with my fellow Africans. (Later, a close friend would attend ceremony
with me, and it was revealed to she, that she was my daughter—one of Marc
Anthony and Cleopatra’s twins—and her
ceremony experience would complement my past life regression. It turns out several other close individuals
to me also played starring roles, with me, during that era—supporting the idea
that souls manifest throughout time in “groups.”) Whoa!
2.
Through the myth of Kali and Shiva (Hindu
gods), Ayahuasca showed me my EPIC (to put
it mildly) and historic “war” with men in particular. Grandmother revealed I associated men
with abandonment and neglect (classic Freudian “Daddy Issues”, no?) and I
associated authority figures with abuse of power, and this long-held distrust has
been THE fundamental dynamic in ALL aspects of my life, since a very early
age.
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| Kali and Shiva |
This ancient lack of trust towards men
and authority figures has been played out over and over again in THIS lifetime
alone (just look at my resume!!!): Starting
with challenging my high school teachers and the very education they provided
(my high school friends will validate this!); then rebelling against my
parents; then leaving the Catholic Church declaring myself an “atheist”; then
leaving Boston University and taking off to Africa (at age 19); through
constant conflicts with a whole parade of various employers; with giving Reuters “the finger”; taking on
the pharmaceutical companies in regards to the FREE distribution of AIDS drugs
and universal health care; smuggling Marcos from South Africa to the States
(defiance to Fidel Castro); and then some.
This dynamic is also visible in my
past work: International development
work featuring “women’s empowerment” and gender issues to serving as chief
editor of an HIV/AIDS web portal (specifically
for women.) And naturally, this belief
has been painfully reflected in ALL my intimate relationships with men and male
family figures to my circles of friends and community. I habitually surround myself with women
(which I naturally trust) and a few “safe”, reliable men who have earned my love and trust.
This profound insight has led me to
radically reframe my perception of men and authority figures. I now look for REASONS to trust men and
realize I need to learn to work WITH men as opposed to “against” them (we need
to include men, Ladies!) All of this insight leads me to suspect the restoration of equal, balanced
masculine and feminine energies and “power” is one of the core solutions to the
multi-dimensional chaos we are experiencing now throughout the world.
3. “Love cannot exist without pain. Accept it or suffer.” In other words, we NEED
contrast in order to identify “things” (for further reference, do your physics
homework on Space and Dark Matter.) This statement leads to the question, “Is
suffering really ‘bad’ IF it allows
us to feel and know love?” And know this is just the beginning of the BIGGER
lesson.
As you get deeper into this statement
and its implications, you will KNOW that no person, no organization, no
political party, no religion, no ideology, no country or peoples, no event, no
thing is actually “good” or “bad.”
This statement is the start of de-constructing the Duality Thinking (Us versus
Them/Good versus Evil) that has been governing the human mind for centuries; it
is archaic and no longer serves us. Now,
we are moving into Oneness Thinking.
4.
The
EVERYTHING feeling—during ceremony, in between “lessons”, I
would get “breaks.” During these breaks,
I was either entertained by humorous visions (usually of me making an ass of
myself), some physics “play” or experiencing, what I refer to as the
“Everything Feeling.” This feeling is an
overwhelming, soothing whole body-heart-soul feeling of every minute
heart-break, pain and suffering throughout the history of humanity to ALL the
joys, triumphs, breakthroughs, and miracles of human history (and everything in
the middle!) And well, even though this
feeling makes every cell in your body cry and
laugh with “bittersweet” tears, it is a surprisingly nurturing, reassuring,
warm-fuzzy feeling that communicates EVERYTHING
is just perfect as is—wars and all. There
IS a divine balance.
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| "Everything" |
NOTE: I have actually felt this
“Everything Feeling” before (without being on hallucinogens, by the way)--
while standing in front of monumental nature like Kilimanjaro; the Grand Canyon
at sunrise; swimming in Waipio Valley waterfalls; in the desert on an
especially clear and starry night; watching giraffe or elephants cross the
savanna; kayaking with dolphins; any time I witness an act of heroism; or even
sometimes, in the “ordinary” company of family and friends.
5.
The final insight from my first ceremony
contradicts pretty much ALL the research and work I have done over the past 2
decades, so I do not share this information lightly. Basically, I was shown that ALL modern
diseases and illnesses were the direct result of several life-times worth of
collective emotional and psychological imbalance.
For example, despite all the
scientific data I have collected over the years pertaining to the origins,
prevention and “cure” for HIV, I was shown how my HIV manifestation is actually
a direct result of centuries of personal self-loathing, most notably guilt over
the fall of Egypt. This self-hatred was
so deeply imbedded that it manifested itself, in THIS lifetime, on a cellular
level in the form of HIV.
It also showed me my recent encounter
with cancer is a direct result of absorbing OTHER people’s pain and suffering
in THIS life-time; thus highlighting the importance of protecting myself (via
boundaries, distancing myself from negative people and events, speaking MY
truth always, etc.) The “cure” is to release and let go of ALL pain and suffering,
whether it be MY pain or the suffering of others, or else it will literally
continue to manifest in my physical body.
These are the highlights, as best as I
can use words to describe, of my first Ayahuasca ceremony. It is clear to me
now, that my first ceremony was actually quite “gentle” on me; my second
ceremony would be brutal and I am STILL processing from my last ceremony.
However, as I mentioned earlier, the insights, messages, and clarity do not end
at the closing of ceremony. The next
question is HOW did this experience actually impact my daily life?
Well, within a few months following my
first ceremony, I made RADICAL changes to my life, starting with…
·
Letting go of negative people in my life
(even IF they were close friends, including my lover.) I told them thank you for spending time with
me and for all their valuable lessons and all the good times, but now, for my
own well-being, I need to move on. (And note: Not all of them were terribly
pleased with my decision.)
·
I quit my job, without securing another
job—fully trusting Law of Attraction.
·
After 20 years of silence (hiding my
deepest “truth”), I announced I was HIV+ on FaceBook, ceremoniously on my
birthday.
·
I stopped taking the prescribed HIV drugs,
KNOWING I could manage this disease myself—both from what was revealed to me in
ceremony, as well as a long history of living well with HIV, without
pharmaceutical medicines.
·
I delved into healing work on many levels and
continue to attract fun, conscious, generous, loving people into my life every
day.
Ayahuasca is just one method of transformation. She does not call to every one, but I trust
the people who will benefit most from this modality will somehow find this
personal narrative…because THAT is exactly how the Universe/Source works.
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