The answer is always LOVE (or sometimes, "42"!)

The answer is always LOVE (or sometimes, "42"!)
My philosophy is LOVEISM...

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Kelly’s Ayahuasca Ceremony #1

A dose of Ayahuasca--and even though some people like the taste, well--for me, YUCK!

This “story” is MY story. I am not going to get into the origins or historical significance of Ayahuasca; nor dissect the psychoactive and chemical components of this powerful “medicine”; nor go into the mundane details as to how it is prepared and whatnot technical stuff you can easily find on Wikipedia (thank you, whomever, created Wikipedia!)  Instead, I am going directly to the core of every Ayahuasca ceremony—what did I experience and learn, and then how has this impacted my life?  Therefore, I will be sharing blog-sized portions of what I, personally, have learned about myself, others, and well, EVERYTHING (and I MEAN everything), from participating in three Ayahuasca ceremonies over the past year. 

Besides, if Ayahuasca is truly “calling” you, you will already be familiar with what it is and what it can do for you—or, perhaps, these little personal accounts will inspire you to do your own research, and decide for yourself if you wish to try this powerful transformational tool.  WARNING:  Ayahuasca is NOT for pussies!  This is NOT a recreational experience.  And technically, it is NOT even legal to participate in Ayahuasca ceremonies in the United States (Surprise?), but it is legal and revered sacred in many other cultures and countries.  I refer to Ayahuasca as “Ninja Self-Awareness Training”—meaning, without a doubt, you will get your ass (and EGO and ALL your archaic ego-centric beliefs) kicked and like all martial arts training, you will eventually be grateful for ALL the bruises and lessons.

Of all the self-awareness and transformational tools I have played with (too many to list here!)—from meditation to yoga to Ayurvedic disciplines to reading “self-help” books as well as scientific, philosophical and psychological texts to participating in sweat lodges and dozens of other therapeutic and transformational modalities, Ayahuasca has been, by far, the most effective and time-efficient education tool I have EVER experienced. 

The best part is that even AFTER a ceremony, its “effects” continue and therefore, DAILY you continue to have both big and little moments of “enlightenment” (aka, “A-ha! Moments”) about yourself, others, and well, how everything in the Universe(s) work.  All of this “information” serves to give you a PROFOUND understanding of yourself (“Who am I?”, “What’s the meaning of life?”—the oldest questions on earth!); your relation to others (including plants, animals, things--yes, even your toilet!, quantum stuff as well as cosmic stuff, and then some!); and how to best use these new insights to create a better life for yourself, which ultimately creates a better world (think Doppler Effect!)

Before I share some of “MY” lessons, know that each Ayahuasca ceremony is radically unique for each individual (meaning: no one will have the “same” experiences, but perhaps, common themes.)  And as we call the spirit of Ayahuasca-- “Grandmother”, SHE has the ability to clearly communicate with each individual in very specific terms, language/vocabulary, metaphors, “stories”, symbols, concepts, visions, sounds, even smells, etc. that only YOU would understand. 

For example, since I am an avid “follower” of science and world cultures as well as a writer and voracious reader, a lot of information has been relayed to me through the arts and literary metaphors (lots of Shakespeare and MC Escher as well as contemporary media like the film “The Matrix”, sprinkled with ancient myths, geographic places and historical figures) as well as through scientific concepts I already understand.  In addition, “Grandmother”, knowing I highly appreciate and value a rich sense of humor, showed me a lot of very unflattering insights about ME in humorous ways.  * I spent most of my first ceremony LAUGHING at myself and saying (in my head-- I think!), “The Universe is mocking me! Ha! Ha! Ha!” 

FACT: The Universe has THE best sense of humor (I mean, that is where Monty Python, George Carlin, Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, Jonathan Swift, Shakespeare, and all got THEIR sense of humor, no?!)

For clarity’s sake, I am going to break this “story” down into each ceremony (so far, I have participated in three ceremonies) and I seek to give you a “taste” of what information has been relayed to me.  *It is impossible to share all I have learned/experienced in ceremony for two reasons: 

1.       This could easily become a serial novel (THAT much information has been obtained.)  Therefore, I am just going to share general themes; very clear statements; validations of previously documented information already available (i.e., Deepak Chopra is one of many reliable resources, and so is Oprah Winfrey—and eventually, you will get to a point that every person you meet, every song you hear, every animal that crosses your path, and every single experience—even traffic and doing laundry—is a reliable source of information about yourself and your world; and only then, will you realize that your most reliable source of information is actually YOURSELF); as well as some entertaining aspects of ceremony
2.      I am still “downloading” information every day and suspect this process will be going on for some time.

So here we go down the rabbit hole…

Ceremony 1:

When I look back, my first dose of Ayahuasca was mild.  I clearly recall thinking to myself, as I am watching a statue of Jesus hula-dance--“Well, this is a lot like a really good acid trip.”  While the other ceremony participants were violently purging in their buckets, weeping in silence or moaning in fetal position, I confess, I thought to myself, “Amateurs.”  So I gleefully answered the call for a second dose.  Well, that’s when things started to quickly get intense…meaning in-tense, past tense, future tense, and in fact, pre-tense on me!

1.      I now believe in all this Past Lives stuff.  I mean, previously, I was “on the fence” when people queried if I believed in past lives.  My auto-response was, “Well, as a quantum physicist-wanna-be, I can see how all this reincarnation stuff expressed by Hindu and Buddhist faiths could be poetic metaphor for quantum applications.” But now, my answer is “Hell Yes! And I even have proof!”  This is a “story” in itself:  Ayahausca showed me in a very detailed, logical way-- via vivid power-point presentation and time-lines-- why I was “obsessed” with Africa in THIS lifetime, starting at a very early age—apparently, I was Cleopatra in a past life.   

Grandmother showed me that I viewed the “foreign invasion” of HIV throughout the continent of Africa as equivalent to the Roman invasion of Egypt. Because Cleopatra (the last pharaoh of Egypt) failed to protect Egypt from the Romans, I sought to protect Africa from the spread of HIV in THIS lifetime.  It showed me Cleopatra killed herself because she felt responsible for both the fall of Egypt (the most powerful civilization of the era), as well as not being able to protect her own family.  Thus, in THIS lifetime, as an act of atonement, I CHOSE to take on HIV both literally and figuratively, in commiseration with my fellow Africans.  (Later, a close friend would attend ceremony with me, and it was revealed to she, that she was my daughter—one of Marc Anthony and Cleopatra’s twins—and her ceremony experience would complement my past life regression.  It turns out several other close individuals to me also played starring roles, with me, during that era—supporting the idea that souls manifest throughout time in “groups.”)  Whoa!

2.      Through the myth of Kali and Shiva (Hindu gods), Ayahuasca showed me my EPIC (to put it mildly) and historic “war” with men in particular.  Grandmother revealed I associated men with abandonment and neglect (classic Freudian “Daddy Issues”, no?) and I associated authority figures with abuse of power, and this long-held distrust has been THE fundamental dynamic in ALL aspects of my life, since a very early age. 

Kali and Shiva
This ancient lack of trust towards men and authority figures has been played out over and over again in THIS lifetime alone (just look at my resume!!!):  Starting with challenging my high school teachers and the very education they provided (my high school friends will validate this!); then rebelling against my parents; then leaving the Catholic Church declaring myself an “atheist”; then leaving Boston University and taking off to Africa (at age 19); through constant conflicts with a whole parade of various employers;  with giving Reuters “the finger”; taking on the pharmaceutical companies in regards to the FREE distribution of AIDS drugs and universal health care; smuggling Marcos from South Africa to the States (defiance to Fidel Castro); and then some. 

This dynamic is also visible in my past work:  International development work featuring “women’s empowerment” and gender issues to serving as chief editor of an HIV/AIDS web portal (specifically for women.)  And naturally, this belief has been painfully reflected in ALL my intimate relationships with men and male family figures to my circles of friends and community.  I habitually surround myself with women (which I naturally trust) and a few “safe”, reliable men who have earned my love and trust.

This profound insight has led me to radically reframe my perception of men and authority figures.  I now look for REASONS to trust men and realize I need to learn to work WITH men as opposed to “against” them (we need to include men, Ladies!) All of this insight leads me to suspect the restoration of equal, balanced masculine and feminine energies and “power” is one of the core solutions to the multi-dimensional chaos we are experiencing now throughout the world.

3.      “Love cannot exist without pain.  Accept it or suffer.”  In other words, we NEED contrast in order to identify “things” (for further reference, do your physics homework on Space and Dark Matter.) This statement leads to the question, “Is suffering really ‘bad’ IF it allows us to feel and know love?” And know this is just the beginning of the BIGGER lesson.
As you get deeper into this statement and its implications, you will KNOW that no person, no organization, no political party, no religion, no ideology, no country or peoples, no event, no thing is actually “good” or “bad.” This statement is the start of de-constructing the Duality Thinking (Us versus Them/Good versus Evil) that has been governing the human mind for centuries; it is archaic and no longer serves us.  Now, we are moving into Oneness Thinking.

4.      The EVERYTHING feeling—during ceremony, in between “lessons”, I would get “breaks.”  During these breaks, I was either entertained by humorous visions (usually of me making an ass of myself), some physics “play” or experiencing, what I refer to as the “Everything Feeling.”  This feeling is an overwhelming, soothing whole body-heart-soul feeling of every minute heart-break, pain and suffering throughout the history of humanity to ALL the joys, triumphs, breakthroughs, and miracles of human history (and everything in the middle!)  And well, even though this feeling makes every cell in your body cry and laugh with “bittersweet” tears, it is a surprisingly nurturing, reassuring, warm-fuzzy feeling that communicates EVERYTHING is just perfect as is—wars and all.  There IS a divine balance.

NOTE: I have actually felt this “Everything Feeling” before (without being on hallucinogens, by the way)-- while standing in front of monumental nature like Kilimanjaro; the Grand Canyon at sunrise; swimming in Waipio Valley waterfalls; in the desert on an especially clear and starry night; watching giraffe or elephants cross the savanna; kayaking with dolphins; any time I witness an act of heroism; or even sometimes, in the “ordinary” company of family and friends.   

5.      The final insight from my first ceremony contradicts pretty much ALL the research and work I have done over the past 2 decades, so I do not share this information lightly.  Basically, I was shown that ALL modern diseases and illnesses were the direct result of several life-times worth of collective emotional and psychological imbalance. 

For example, despite all the scientific data I have collected over the years pertaining to the origins, prevention and “cure” for HIV, I was shown how my HIV manifestation is actually a direct result of centuries of personal self-loathing, most notably guilt over the fall of Egypt.  This self-hatred was so deeply imbedded that it manifested itself, in THIS lifetime, on a cellular level in the form of HIV. 

It also showed me my recent encounter with cancer is a direct result of absorbing OTHER people’s pain and suffering in THIS life-time; thus highlighting the importance of protecting myself (via boundaries, distancing myself from negative people and events, speaking MY truth always, etc.) The “cure” is to release and let go of ALL pain and suffering, whether it be MY pain or the suffering of others, or else it will literally continue to manifest in my physical body. 

These are the highlights, as best as I can use words to describe, of my first Ayahuasca ceremony. It is clear to me now, that my first ceremony was actually quite “gentle” on me; my second ceremony would be brutal and I am STILL processing from my last ceremony. However, as I mentioned earlier, the insights, messages, and clarity do not end at the closing of ceremony.  The next question is HOW did this experience actually impact my daily life?

Well, within a few months following my first ceremony, I made RADICAL changes to my life, starting with…

·         Letting go of negative people in my life (even IF they were close friends, including my lover.)  I told them thank you for spending time with me and for all their valuable lessons and all the good times, but now, for my own well-being, I need to move on. (And note: Not all of them were terribly pleased with my decision.)
·         I quit my job, without securing another job—fully trusting Law of Attraction.
·         After 20 years of silence (hiding my deepest “truth”), I announced I was HIV+ on FaceBook, ceremoniously on my birthday.
·         I stopped taking the prescribed HIV drugs, KNOWING I could manage this disease myself—both from what was revealed to me in ceremony, as well as a long history of living well with HIV, without pharmaceutical medicines.
·         I delved into healing work on many levels and continue to attract fun, conscious, generous, loving people into my life every day.

Ayahuasca is just one method of transformation.  She does not call to every one, but I trust the people who will benefit most from this modality will somehow find this personal narrative…because THAT is exactly how the Universe/Source works.