Kelly’s Ayahuasca Ceremony #3

Right?!

My third Ayahuasca Ceremony was conducted on the twilight of December 20^th into the very auspicious dawn of December 21^st, 2012.  I predicted THIS ceremony was going to be EPIC on account of all the “cosmic” events simultaneously occurring during that time (and well, it was EPIC, but not anything like I expected, of course!)  My flaw:  Assuming I would experience some kind of mythical multi-chakra opening in sync with all life forms (including plants, animals and planets) and all that hippie/”We-are-the-world” stuff.  Lesson: The only thing predictable about ceremony is it is unpredictable (like Life, no?)

Perhaps it was my imagination but my first dose was more than “usual” and I struggled to get it down.  The first hour of my ceremony was very physical—no visuals, no sounds, no “messages”.  I had the firm impression that my CELLS were boiling and exploding like bubbling lava—not painful, but an uncomfortable physical sensation.  My first and ONLY “purge” of the night, came violently from my toes and shot up through my chakras like a geyser.  I recall squawking loudly like some kind of mythical bird (however, fellow participants claim they heard nothing.)  When I peeked into my puke-bucket to check if I purged any vital organs, the displacement of my “innards” made a PERFECT circle like this…

Great.  Mythology and symbolism would suggest I just vomited Infinity (and what exactly am I supposed to do with THAT?!)  For more insight into the sacred meaning of circles, click here. http://www.whats-your-sign.com/circle-symbol-meaning.html 

 I got the firm impression that I was experiencing cellular detox.  I have a suspicion Grandmother was working (possibly healing?) on my HIV and cancer as well—however, I cannot be bothered to go get tested.  So, I am just going to surf on this belief.

Following my mega-physical purge, I let the sounds of running water (some kind of meditation music in the background) soothe me to the point I felt myself gently sinking into oceanic depths.  For a nanosecond, I considered I might be drowning, but yet there was no struggle, no panic; in fact, the sensations were thoroughly comforting, a full-body relaxation.  (I hope Death feels like that!)  Then a dolphin appeared, smiling and giggling as dolphins do.  There was some confusion as to if I was the dolphin, or this was some kind of animal spirit guide (quite possibly both.)  I am going with spirit guide and what a perfect spirit guide for me, dolphin key words include:                   

Playfulness  (I AM the Goofy Guru, after all!)

Transcendence

Gentleness

Harmony

Intelligence

Contentment

Friendship

Community

Resurrection

Generosity

       Power

     

Following the whole dolphin experience, two things were made clear to me:  1.  The oceans need to be protected; they are being grossly neglected (there is a whole universe down there we STILL have not discovered—full of answers to many of our current questions!) and 2. We all need to be addressing “Water Issues” above ALL else and NOW (from drinking water to hydropower to oceans.)  The last “thing” I would see ALL night was a dolphin smiling (quite possibly laughing) at me.  The rest of the night, for HOURS, much to my irritation, I would be experiencing nothing. 

When I say I experienced nothing all night, I mean NOTHING, as in THE VOID.  Feeling as if I were under anesthesia, somewhere between conscious and unconscious -- no sounds, no visualizations, no “messages”, no images or symbols, no “Everything” feeling, not even registering the music I KNOW was playing in the background--nothing.  Occasionally, to “test” the situation, I would open my eyes to see if anything special or psychedelic was happening around me, everything in the room looked perfectly “normal” (meaning no dancing Jesus statues or anything!) “Normal” as if I were completely sober.  The ONLY thought to surface the whole night was, “Nothing is happening! NOTHING? Really?!  WTF?!”

When the shaman called for a second dose, I knew I did not need another dose but was hoping an extra sip might push me over the edge into SOMETHING, as opposed to hours of NOTHING.  I took a sip and then went back into NOTHINGNESS much to my annoyance.  Little did I know at the time that monks, gurus, and other “spiritual” people spend a lifetime trying to achieve this state of NOTHINGNESS, and here I was irritated that I was getting nothing.  *As usual, the joke is ALWAYS on me.

Yes, when I woke up the next morning, I was downright jealous that others had such colorful, insightful, amazing, useful revelations and I got NOTHING.  No answers, no insights, no guidance, not even a “fun” trip--nothing.  My “inner-child” decided to pout the rest of the day.  Later, on the eve of DEC 21, while I bitterly imagined the world experiencing UNITY and such hippie-stuff, this pout would grow into full-blown anger--which would lead me to discover the concept of “shadow work.”

Shadow work is basically all about identifying our “worst” traits and qualities (such as impatience, jealousy, anger, depression--which is just anger turned inwards, laziness, greed, etc.) and instead of suppressing or masking these traits, learning how these very same socially unpopular traits are actually tools that need to be integrated in order to achieve total self-acceptance. 

TRUTH:  Any traits or qualities you dislike in others are YOUR shadows.  *Apparently, as kids, we were correct when we taunted one another, “Takes one to know one!” And “I know you are, but what am I?”

Example of using a not-so-pretty quality and using it as a tool for positive action:

I am notoriously impatient.  Of course, I LIVE in the NOW, so naturally, I want it NOW!  Therefore, when my laptop started to die on me—constantly “freezing” up, taking 3 minutes to open a new window, etc.— impatience at my laptop quickly escalated into an Oscar-winning temper tantrum to rival any anguished 3 year old deprived of a treasured toy.  I was fully aware of the absurdity of my fury but it was this very same Impatience that inspired me to write a FaceBook post begging for a new laptop.  Within minutes, a friend offered his used MacBook.  Instant manifestation!  So technically my impatience helped me obtain a quick solution!

As long as we suppress (psychologically), mask (with pharmaceuticals and/or other drugs/alcohol/addictions), vilify, or deny our less-than-awesome traits and qualities, we fail to see how these emotions are simply a message—a call to action or non-action-- from the heart to the brain.  Emotions are not “good” or “bad”, simply tools.  Anger, for example, can be the spark for personal transformation and historically, social change—anger can protect you and your children from violence.  Jealousy can be transformed into admiration and thus, inspiration.  And so on.

However, more toxic than failing to recognize these “unsavory” traits and emotions as valuable tools, when we vilify these traits in ourselves (and in others), we are essentially “hating” ourselves.  As long as we hate just one part of ourselves, we cannot fully accept and love ourselves.  And just about EVERYTHING (which is NOTHING with a twist, no?) comes down to self-love, right?!

Over the next few days, NOTHING would show up everywhere:  all over FaceBook posts, in films, in song lyrics, even on a popular TV show.  Nothing was inescapable!  So I started doing some homework on NOTHING—from lectures by Alan Watts to scientists like Carl Sagan and Einstein; from spiritual leaders such as Osho to Krishnamurti; I even peaked at the existentialists and other philosophers—which all accumulated into the constant thread of non-duality:  Nothing is Everything.  

Nothing was associated with everything, literally-- from Zen mind-less bliss (the ultimate state of enlightenment) to the start of creation (Big Bang) to dark matter and black holes to limitless potential to death and depression.  Thus my question was, “So what?  WTF am I supposed to do with THIS?  How am I supposed to apply NOTHINGNESS to my life?”

Well, as you can guess, the answer was obvious: Do NOTHING.  And all of a sudden I had plenty of opportunities to test this new and very foreign response to life.  Threatened with eviction?  Do NOTHING.  (Guess what?! It worked itself out!)  Angry friend?  Do NOTHING: her anger has NOTHING to do with me, she is just projecting!  Family, friends caught up in their own dramas?  Do NOTHING. They are on their own path, learning their own lessons through their own experiences and at their own paces.  Seeking new work?  Do NOTHING.  Work and money came to me!

I started applying NOTHING to everything and the results were celebratory!  Let’s not forget that several masters throughout the ages, from Lao Tzu to Jesus to John Lennon (“Let it be”), have been saying this for centuries.  I finally got it!  Literally, do NOTHING.  Try it!  For the sake of experiment:  Next challenge, try to do NOTHING!  See what happens, when you allow everything to take care of itself!  I suspect the results are going to stun you!

So what did I do while I was busy doing NOTHING?  Well, dancing around my house; reading LOTS of books; watching films; visiting with friends; writing; painting; chatting to my grandparents on the phone; planning my Get Goofy Road Trip; working on my new Goofy Guru coaching business; cooking my favorite meals; doing Osho zen readings; getting a pedicure and a haircut—basically, having a DAMN good time.  Was it really THIS simple?  Shall I refer to Occam’s Razor?

NOTHING reminds me that I really KNOW NOTHING!  I have no idea what is going to happen in the next minute, much less a month or year from now!  The Buddhists teach, be attached to NO-THING.  NOTHING lasts forever…ha! Ha!  So ultimately, my BIG lesson was surrender, letting go and as Osho said, “All you can do now is to relax into this no-thingness...fall into this silence between the words...watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.” 

SO let’s just see what happens next!