Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Dear CHICO-ish, I am BREAKING UP with YOU!
WARNING: IF you READ this exercise in SPEAKING MY TRUTH and get UPSET/UNCOMFORTABLE in any way, then KNOW this is a CLEAR INDICATOR that YOU RECOGNIZE a not-so-pretty TRUTH about yourSELF. And KNOW that it is OK. KNOW this is a BIG STEP towards TRUE SELF-ACUALIZATION and ultimately, SELF-OPTIMIZATION.
I NOW SEE CLEARLY how I have become a SLAVE to LOVE for the “GOOD” PEOPLE of the Chi-Co-Cow-Paradise-ish area (pretty much all of Butte County), thus co-creating what could best be described as, literally, DOMESTIC ABUSE. I SEE MY PATTERN…
PLEASE NOTE the “MY”: As in I AM TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY for MY ACTIONS (and NO ONE ELSE’s!) and this means I DO NOT BLAME anyONE but mySELF…NOR DO I SLANDER OTHERS, FALSELY ACCUSE OTHERS (*did you KNOW the PUNISHMENT for FALSE ACCUSATIONS in VOODOO Justice is ZOMBIFICATION?!!!); NOR do I GOSSIP (*because I have NO IDEA what is going on in MY LIFE, much less someone else’s!! Besides I am only interested in SOULutions for ALL!) And I NO LONGER PERSECUTE OTHERS…because I GET IT: Surely I have done ALL these things—with a side of kimchi and a violin—at some point, in THIS lifetime or many others!
In ALL directions of TIME: I Love you. Forgive me IF I have hurt you. Thank you. Party on, Garth!
BOTTOM LINE: I am ENDING this DOMESTIC ABUSE STORY. PERIOD.
I SEE MY PATTERN:
· I LEAVE the area only when I have become PHYSICALLY ILL (*remember “The Allergies” –with Nurses Jess and Anita? Or the Pneumo-bronchu “Ascension” Flu that hit us hard at CREATION STATION throughout most of JAN and some of FEB this year? Or the mysterious “Brown-Recluse-Staph Infection”?! Or most recently, POISON OAK on MY FACE?! ) Regardless , this is PURELY MY SUPRESSED ANGER (FEELING HURT, MISUNDERSTOOD, ATTACKED, FALSELY ACCUSED, NOT APPRECIATED, TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF, “PUNCHING BAG”, “SCAPEGOAT”, WITCH-HUNT TARGET of OTHER PEOPLE’s ANGER and UNHAPPINESS etc. etc., especially by people who refer to THEMSELVES as MY FRIENDS!!! ) surfacing in the form of ridiculous ILLNESSES. *THANK YOU, POISON OAK, for the POWERFUL, as in EM-POWER-ING lesson!
· I get SICK and then GO AWAY and have some ZANY ADVENTURES for a WHILE…
· And then like A LOT of people (self) “trapped” in an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, I am LURED BACK to this AREA with APOLOGIES (*which I do NOT NEED, thank you very much…you see, I UNDERSTAND WE are ALL on DIFFERENT PATHS and I have COMPASSION for ALL PATHS); OR, I am LURED by the INIFINITE POSSIBILITIES of CO-CREATING a really, really BIG CONSCIOUS COMMUNITY that ACTUALLY LIVES a NEW EARTH (*as opposed to TALKING/PREACHING/LECTURING about it and then CHARGING PEOPLE for IT!); OR, a FRIEND “in NEED” lures me back….I am TOTALLY a SUCKER for a FRIEND (or anyONE for that matter!) going through a sometimes SCARY TRANSITION into a RADICALLY NEW LIFE; OR, perhaps it is just MY simple LONGING of a TRUE HOME (aka, A New Earth.) I suspect it is ALL of the ABOVE (as is below, no?)
· I ALWAYS RETURN to this particular area with LOVE, HOPE, FAITH and TRUST that THIS TIME will be better! There is a brief HONEYMOON period and then WHENEVER I VOICE or STATE MY BOUNDARIES; aka, SPEAK MY TRUTH (OR whenever I say my NO! OR CALL BULLSHIT on someONE; or even when I JUST QUESTION PEOPLE)…well, I have NOTICED that PEOPLE get VERY UPSET AT ME because I am NOT DOING WHAT THEY WANT ME to DO!!!! And they call ME, SELF-ish?!!!! Yikes! So basically, I am SEEING that when I DO SPEAK MY TRUTH even in the context of my FRIENDS and FAMILY (*and yes, sometimes, I have to YELL because THEY are NOT HEARING ME when I am being GENTLE, GOOFY or NICE!), PEOPLE are STILL trying to PUNISH ME through various very creative ways…for example: PUBLIC SHAMING on and off FACEBOOK—aka, modern BULLYING; “If you were my FRIEND” GUILT (aka EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL); or THEY THINK because THEY GAVE ME some of their SCRAPS (and they call it CHARITY!) that I OWE it to THEM to DO WHATEVER they want me to DO—for THEM. You SEE how FUCKED UP this is?!!!
This is what Being a SLAVE to LOVE looks like. Therefore, by writing this out, I am ending this DOMESTIC ABUSE STORY by taking FULL RESPONSIBILITY for MY BELIEFS and ACTIONS.
You are FREE to post COMMENTS (because I BELIEVE in FREE SPEECH, not just the stuff we would prefer to HEAR!), but I will TELL you NOW…I really don’t give a FUCK what you THINK about my RADICAL TRUTH documented here (praise or bullshit!)…this is a SELF-made EXERCISE in RADICAL HONESTY for ME. *Please READ WARNING ABOVE (again.)
And Thanks for all the fish!
Kelly N Patterson